Saturday, 30 January 2010

happy new year....pah!

am currently of work with a bad back, i have damaged my nerves so bad i may need an operation, so much for 2010 eah,
a friend of mine suggested i write a book whilst i'm off, about my job, but do people really want to hear about footballers puking drunk, tennis stars in cupboards, singers throwing their toys, or politicians getting too close to the public! maybe you would like to know about the loss of a small countries deficit.... i don't know, can people accept that these icons, these role models that we place so high on pedestals, can we accept that they are only human, and in some instances less than human, i don't know...we will see.x

Thursday, 19 November 2009

bloody christmas....

I don't have a conventional job, I can't tell you what it is, just that it is legal, and i work nights mainly,
anyway every year around this time we have the usual Christmas rota debacle, you have to work either Xmas eve,boxing day or new years eve, ok acceptable, but it would have been nice to know which, maybe a month ago, not next week....every bloody year the same thing, nepotism.....sexism and brown nosing. I suppose that's me for new years then....
There is one thing at Christmas, that my husband does, that never fails to take my breath away and that is to buy me the strangest presents.....a air gun...two belt buckles....a lathe....I've asked for a new wedding ring this year. oh well....hahaha..

the big 'O'

am i allowed to talk about the big 'O', the knee trembler, the orgasm?
My apologies if it isn't okay, but the next bit will slay you, so close your eyes, what about, Multiples? Multiple orgasms..... the group to which i am a fully paid up member......
I used to think, they were an old wives tale. Made up to make young women persevere. but NO. this thing, this desire it does exist....
you see, i don't have the biggest sexual appetite in the world, ( my husband would say annually) (with a half smile) but as i have grown, found confidence, and the bedroom light switch, and through endless hours of personal research!!!!!!!!!,
i have found my own personal key......We may not make love often, but, my hubby waits for these days, like a child for Christmas, because having found my key, I was nice enough to show him where i kept it...... hours and hours of fun i have....and my husband once or twice......but the smile on his face, you couldn't wipe it off if you tried..... me a liar, or hate me you see i mean multiples....5 or 6 without trying, 12 + (cos i usually stop counting then) if i'm really alive!!!! oh and a tube of canesten the next day....I'll be 40 soon, and i love finally knowing me....
I have a friend, who unfortunately, says she has never had an 'O', I faked nearly every time untill my husband.....I can't tell you exactly how to do this, what to touch, how to breathe......all i can suggest is that you take some you time, if i can you can,
and if you don't know what you like, how do you expect anyone else to?
Don't expect crashing waves first time, but a little ripple, a lusty sheen, a rosey cheek, maybe even a caught breath. KNOW THYSELF!

Sunday, 29 March 2009

did i break a lorry load of mirrors?

well, yes i am alive, just.
what a three months, i wrote my car off on the m1, left my husband, got burgled, lost my job, got my job back, and had the boiler blow up, and no hot water for four a new job......and purchased a pair of christian louboutin shoes, which my best mates, prize winning cat ate!, ( yes really!!!!)got food poisoning from champagne and oysters at London's poshest store!!!! got a convertible car, and on the upside lost 2 stone through the stress......bring it on.......xxxxx
yes, yes, of course i will elaborate, couldn't waste that opportunity.......i need a good whinge.

Friday, 16 January 2009

just a quickie

Ok, just a quickie..
I have just watched the new and improved husband ring the doctors on my instructions.......obviously no one answered( first experience i think for him) normally people don't keep him waiting.
so, what did he do? it could be a man thing, because i don't know a woman this stupid......., he disconnected the phone and rang back..DOH!!!!!!!! like huh!
ok, first you were second in the doctors queue, and now you are 52nd. Does he think,that the receptionist plays EENY MEENY MINY MO with the phones, picks up only those calls they like. God give me strength..... and then he said, " do they always take this long to answer?"
honestly deja vu....

Thursday, 15 January 2009


I had an operation today, I knew it would be happening,
Still, looking at the dark purple stain spreading across my face right now, I am a bit worried people will notice!!!!!, I'm wondering if I should start a rumour.....yeah that'll do it.
I'll just tell everyone that I went under the knife for cosmetic reasons. That has kudos, that tells everyone that I am superficial and shallow.....just like themselves.

I had my cheek bone nibbled away, through a hole in my jawbone.....nice, can somebody give me a peanut/ or a currant bun?????
my current vocal and visual reincarnation of John Merrick is quite uncanny. I am available for films, wedding and bar mitzvahs and halloween.

I'm not sure I've mentioned it, but I wrote my car off last week, quite spectactularly
ACT-u-aLLY, held up the M1, for at least an was novel to be the cause and not part of the tailback(heehee). BUT it is the strange events of that morning I wish to mention, I was left on my own after the accident, in temperatures of -9' at 5.00am, I had no working phone, and a car that had to be removed from its cuddle with the bridge..... the reason that I was left on my own, was a collective joke amongst the emergency services.....a conversation took place where each person present said "oooh got to get back, got lots of paperwork to do before the shift ends" wink wink "do you have to get back too for paperwork?"
I have never seen so many people WANT to do paperwork!!!!
I asked the ambulance crew what I should do about the smoke etc, that I inhaled from the airbag, I was told to wash my mouth out with water, and he couldn't give me any, because they didn't have any!!!! an ambulance, no water???? is it just me, is that strange?
Then they said, that the new shift would send someone to keep me company, and check on me...... when the tow truck I had arranged arrived at 8.15am, I had spent over 2 hours on my own and no one had shown up..... AM i MAD, Should I be able to expect more than to be left on my own, with only a silver foil tissue and my simmering anger? I mean, how was the foil tissue going to save me, should I have wrapped road kill in it and roasted on the still burning bonnet of my car for sustanance, 'foiled' a mugger, rolled myself in it and lay like a dumped body, hoping to confuse would be rapists? It was minus 9 degrees for god sake!!!!!!!! I wasn't the bloody Christmas turkey, ready for the hot oven. Aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh.
I'm lucky, to be honest, to get out of the car alive, and I appreciate that, but, and this is where I errupt, they are going to bill me for the damage to the central reservation and to the bridge, so what are all my taxes for again??? anyway, if I have to pay for this, therefore it belongs to me NO?
Well then, next week, look out for my new car, same spot, I'm going to screw some signs on,
This belongs to...........
And then the next person to have an accident in the same place owes me!!!

Wednesday, 14 January 2009


I'm S. I am a Best Mate and I have a Best Mate, whom my husband despises!

Said husband has recently had an epiphany and realised, that he has made my life misery for the last two years of marriage...and i wonder, did the words "I'm leaving you !" have anything to do with said epiphany?.......answers on a postcard please....

And i mean I have been here before, this is deja vu, second marriage, and endlessly in relationships, I think I'm a Fixer, trumpets please....dahdaaahhhhh! Miss fix u.... are you unhinged, broken, damaged, do you need to control, be the governing body in a relationship? then abuse me!!!!

Honestly my mum says i have a magnet on my head, but at least now i know that, i know that i look for a type that needs me, when all along I needed me more than anyone else.....and my Best Mate, CB made me see that, (along with my NutNut Doctor, as i affectionately refer to her as).

I think thats why said husband hates CB.

I'm going into hospital tomorrow, little operation, shouldn't be too bad, the All New Improved husband has taken a week off to nurse me, oh Lord help me!

I'm supposed to be Nil By Mouth, but i just caved in to a cup of tea, I live on tea, (I spent six months searching for my perfect tea, but more about that later) will two hours make that much difference? Oh who cares?

Am I wrong to be wary of this new man? And, where has his backbone gone, on holiday? hes like a subserviant race of man, that I have never seen before. Oh God a week of this,